A few months ago, Katrina Fernandez posted a list written by one of HuffPo’s “limitless supply of young narcissists”, Vanessa Elizabeth, under the title “23 Things to Do Instead of Getting Married”. After skewering Ms. Elizabeth six ways from Sunday for her “verbose, self-appeasing litany of how ‘f**king awesome’ she is,” Kat posted her own list of things young women should accomplish by the time they’re twenty-three. Let’s compare:
VANESSA’S ADVICE TO YOUNG WOMEN:
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KATRINA’S ADVICE TO YOUNG WOMEN:
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1. Get a
passport.
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1. Join the military or a volunteer organization.
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2. Find your
“thing.”
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2. Regularly donate to a charitable organization.
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3. Make out
with a stranger.
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3. Graduate college with a useful degree, learn a
trade, or acquire a marketable skill.
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4. Adopt a
pet.
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4. Have a job and keep it for at least a year.
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5. Start a
band.
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5. Get at least one raise, one promotion, or some
workplace accolade.
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6. Make a
cake. Make a second cake. Have your cake and eat it too.
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6. Own grown up clothes and dress like an adult,
not a perpetual adolescent.
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7. Get a
tattoo. It’s more permanent than a marriage.
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7. Become an
active member of a church.
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8. Explore a
new religion.
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8. Stop taking money from your parents. Don’t ask
for loans or bail. You’re an adult now.
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9. Start a
small business.
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9. Move out of your parent’s house.
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10. Cut your
hair.
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10. Have a lease in your name and fulfill your
contractual obligations.
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11. Date two
people at once and see how long it takes to blow up in your face.
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11. Purchase and maintain your own vehicle and
vehicle insurance without the aid of a co-signer.
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12. Build
something with your hands.
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12. Balance your checkbook and create a budget.
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13.
Accomplish a Pinterest project.
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13. Open a savings account.
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14. Join the
Peace Corps.
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14. Put aside money from every paycheck, even if
it’s just $10 to start.
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15.
Disappoint your parents.
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15. Check out your credit score.
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16. Watch Girls, over and over again.
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16. Donate blood often.
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17. Eat a jar
of Nutella in one sitting.
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17. Every day tell your friends and family you
love them.
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18. Make
strangers feel uncomfortable in public places.
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18. Babysit your friend’s children … for free.
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19. Sign up
for CrossFit.
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19. Keep a private journal.
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20. Hang out
naked in front of a window.
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20. Learn a hobby or try out new ones till you
find your passion.
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21. Write
your feelings down in a blog.
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21. Cancel a date to spend time with a grieving
friend or family member.
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22. Be
selfish.
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22. Seek and listen to advice from your elders.
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23. Come with
me to the Philippines for Chinese New Year.
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23. Make a habit of thanking God daily.
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Foremost is how much of Vanessa’s list is dedicated to being
an a**hole: “Make out with a stranger.” “Date two people at once and see how
long it takes to blow up in your face.” “Disappoint your parents.” “Make
strangers feel uncomfortable in public places.” “Hang out naked in front of a
window.” “Be selfish.” I wouldn’t blame any woman for not going with her to the Philippines; more than twenty-four hours
in her company looms in my mind as perfectly intolerable. Also take note, if
you please, how little there is on Vanessa’s list that you can’t do and still
get married by twenty-three; in fact, you could knock out most of the list in a
month.
It’s most instructive, though, to observe how “start a small
business”, “adopt a pet” and “join the Peace Corps” compete in gravity with “cut
your hair” and “eat a jar of Nutella at one sitting” on Vanessa’s list. It’s like putting “build a tool shed” and “construct a bridge across the Mississippi River” on a honey-do list. I don’t think she’s quite grasped the
difference between funny and silly. More to the point, though, it
betrays a complete inability to grasp the concept of commitment.
Here’s her idea of how the young engaged person’s mind
works:
It’s cold outside … you want to cuddle and talk about your feelings … life after graduation is a tough transition … so why not just cut to the chase and get married, right? It’s hip. It’s cool. You get to wear clothing that wouldn’t normally be socially acceptable at the dive bar you frequent with the $5 beers. Eff it. YOLO. YOMO! You only marry once ….
If that’s how a young person’s mind really works, then it’s
no wonder people who marry young have a higher marriage failure rate. And I
wouldn’t be surprised, because narcissism
has been on the increase, and empathy on the decrease, for the last four
decades.
My contention, however, is that many things in life require
more than an oh-what-the-hell-let’s-give-it-a-whirl attitude to be anything other
than a waste of time and/or money — they require commitment. “YOLO” might be sufficient reason to attempt para-skiing,
but it’s a lousy motive for buying a dog. Or joining the Peace Corps (or the
Marine Corps, for that matter). A small business started with a “YOLO” attitude
will close in six months; a band started with a “YOLO” attitude will never get
out of the garage. If you’re not going to go all in, then don’t even bother to
buy the chips.
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| Maybe to you, bud. To a million other people, it means, "Go do something against your better judgment." |
By contrast, Kat’s list may not appear to be much fun. But
the woman who accomplishes those tasks will be a better, stronger, more
well-rounded and admirable person. If she adopts a pet, the pet will be happy and
healthy until the day it dies. If she starts a band, the band will at least do
some local gigs and even develop a bit of a following. If she starts a
business, a bank will loan her the money because she’s a good credit risk; if
it fails, it won’t be because she didn’t give it her all. If she disappoints
her parents, it won’t be because she set out to do it, but because they had
inappropriate expectations.
Because she invests every talent she’s given into what she
does, she will be richly rewarded. She’ll get more out of life because she puts
more into it. Where the woman who follows Vanessa’s list will lose what little
she’s been given, because she refuses to invest even that much (cf. Matthew
25:14-30).
And the woman who follows Kat’s list is much more likely to
make a marriage that lasts, with a man worthy of her. Because marriage isn’t supposed
to be something you “try”, and a spouse isn’t supposed to be a consumer good
you return if s/he doesn’t “fit”.
Go all in. Or don’t come to the altar.
